In myself there is ignorance

Yesterday evening I came across a young atheist I tried to speak, but nothing came out except incoherent thoughts and then I left wounded and wondered where my knowledge was and this was my answer.

For the past week I had fallen away from prayer and begin to search for peace anywhere that was outside of the church. I became sorrowful and filled with anxiety my prayers were met with a feeling of emptiness and I doubted that I could ever lead a truly holy life in light of all my passions but last night stirred my soul in that I realized the first thing about wisdom is in knowing that you know very little and the second was how can one teach and bring understanding to the faith when there is very little you yourself understand about that faith. How can the blind lead the blind if they themselves stumble and fall? How can I help a soul understand the truth when I myself refuse to understand that very truth?

Each mistake that is made in my life serves to humble me and let me see my own folly my own immaturity what can then be said of my faith except that I trod an easy path and give up whenever hardship befalls.

I know that when you are wrong you must listen very hard to the truth but when you are correct you must listen even harder to understand the very truth you speak. You see there is deep reality and beauty within the spirit that is greatly ignored by many people and one of the first lessons of the spirit is never to argue over matters regarding the spirit for in doing so does one fall into the trap of pride and become focused on the sole purpose of winning the argument as I was last night. Correction is one thing but arguing has no place in matters of the spirit.

I wanted to write about the atheist and his folly but I realized that my first concern must be with myself and my own folly and how I like the atheist have failed to grasp the bigger picture. I am seeing the world in my own narrow viewpoint and likewise I am seeing God and things of the spirit in the same way. How can such a thing be remedied I ask and in the interior of my heart I am given a combination of prayer and listening. For in learning when one wants to speak they should say nothing and keep everything silent within their heart. In such matters I have decided to let the Blessed Mother know of what I would like to say. This is what I should have been doing instead of seeking to argue and place myself on the throne of knowledge.

I must remember in these younger days of mine that the Lord uses even the measliest of instruments. I must too also remember that I have not moved even a centimeter in my journey of faith and that I am bound to have many more moments in which I am shown my own weakness, my own wretchedness.

I can not convince anyone to be Catholic all I can tell you is the reason why I am Catholic


The peace of Christ be with you all my dear friends

Kevin

Faith in the midst of emptiness

My journey in faith is no doubt going to be a long one though it is one that I must undertake slowly. For in the past few days I have tried to force God's peace into my soul and have failed only to realize that you can not do such things. I must first build a foundation of holy living and that is not going to easy considering my past but with God all things can be attained. Please Pray for me

Kevin